~RazorbackGFX

Another thing you can apply to your entire life from being an artist: Art takes confidence.

I started drawing at a young age, because my mother was a single parent. When she couldn't find childcare, she'd put me in a corner somewhere with pencil and paper and I was all set.

As I grew older, it became a gateway into a better world, a life completely unlike my own ... if not a life I wish I had. And up until high school, I was always around people who were around the same skill that I was at, or below. That's not hard when you are 10.

High school was another matter. I remember in particular, Dan Porter in our graduating class was "the artist." Lots of people did art, but for some reason, he stood out above everyone else I came across. I'm sure I envyed him because art was not "my thing" but his. Even though people knew I did art, he was the one everyone was talking about. In some way, from then on, my art became corrputed into seeking approval.

There's a cliche in western culture that I have come to dislike: The Best. Seems to be all anyone is looking for, even if they have no idea what constitutes such a thing. As I young adult, my lack of confidence and esteem drove me to perpetually seek being "the best" at art and music.

Royo, Olivia ...those whose talent so far exceeded mine were icons because to me, they were the best, and in order for me to be someone to myself, I needed to be the best too.

I had no confidence in myself. I believed being as good as Royo would bring it and I was dreadfully wrong.

As I grew older, the LORD helped me understand that there is no "best", especially in perceptual matters, like art. Some like it, some don't. Some prefer this, some prefer that. Some are more proficient here, some choose not to be proficient in that area. In the end, it doesn't honestly matter.

With that understood, He sought about to fix the confidence problem I'd been plagued with since childhood. Being in business for myself was the first step on that path, by giving me a sort of detachment from my work. We all say "well, not everyone will like it" but if that belief is truly in your heart is tested when a client rejects your idea, or out of three ideas, chooses the one you like least, and hates the one you like best. If you take it personal, you're done. It will drive you nuts. You will continually question yourself and never grow. You will continually seek approval, but it will elude you.

The Bible says that a house built on sand will collapse when the storm comes. In the same manner, confidence that's built on approval, achievement, status, will fail when the true test comes. Because you will not always be approved. You will not always achieve. You will not always get the same reaction from the same people. Confidence must be based solely on knowing who you are and what you are capable of and nothing more.

I feel so sorry when I see ads and commercials for physical enhancement products, all selling the same lie "when I changed my (insert whatever body part), I gained more confidence and changed my life!" Oh something changes, for sure. I have been there. Anything new always gets attention. But that is short lived and after a while, it's not so new anymore...people aren't reacting anymore. You're left with whatever hole was in you, that made you seek to fix yourself, in the end. I know this from continual trial and error and frustration.

A smart quote from a movie: "If you aren't enough before the trophy, then you won't be enough after you win it." From Cool Runnings, actually.

The same with art. If your work isn't enough, just to you, independent of everyone and anything else, but the pure and true reflection of your soul, then you're in for a hard and painful road.

I am at a better place now, where I don't need approval, attention or achievement. It's nice if it happens, it doesn't bother me if it doesn't. It's not needed On the MySpace profile I keep, I show phases of a piece from start to finish, where, 5 years ago, I would be mortified to let anyone see something before it was finished and "perfect". I needed their acceptance.

The hard part now, is to keep the confidence in the face of challenge. Not everyone will see what I see, nor should they. Art is personal to each person looking. I may not want to shade or draw one way, for my own reasons. And there's nothing wrong with objectively accepting advice and criticism if it is something you willfully want to work on, not something you seek to change to appeal to someone else. There's a big difference. However, having the background I have, I know that if I'm not careful, I can let others opinion's become my perception and I do not want that. I don't want to see my work through your eyes. Your eyes are for you.